Wake up and try to go back to sleep, back to safety.
Dodge the bullets until they're all out of ammo, then return fire.
Humans are bad for nature's health.
We all know this.
But we do nothing about it.
Life on a snowflake, life melting with the ice crystals.
I gave up on being myself years ago.
July 27, 2013
July 26, 2013
Sitting around the campfire! Telling stories! By myself!
I wonder if I'd look better or worse if I put my face in the fire for a few minutes.
The flames are beautiful and I could be, too.
I could be, but I shouldn't be.
I've noticed that my hands don't seem to notice me anymore.
They're busy with other things, I guess, pursuing interests I'm not interested in.
They'll smile and wave to me when they see me, but it's a small wave and a smaller smile, not meant to start anything, not meant to make me feel anything.
"How ya doin'?" they'd ask automatically, if they could speak.
Or maybe they wouldn't.
Maybe they'd insult me.
If my hands could speak, they'd insult me.
If I put my hands in the fire for a few minutes, they could look just like me.
The flames are beautiful and I could be, too.
I could be, but I shouldn't be.
I've noticed that my hands don't seem to notice me anymore.
They're busy with other things, I guess, pursuing interests I'm not interested in.
They'll smile and wave to me when they see me, but it's a small wave and a smaller smile, not meant to start anything, not meant to make me feel anything.
"How ya doin'?" they'd ask automatically, if they could speak.
Or maybe they wouldn't.
Maybe they'd insult me.
If my hands could speak, they'd insult me.
If I put my hands in the fire for a few minutes, they could look just like me.
July 25, 2013
Unemployed
At work late, my boss says to me, "You are the only person who really exists and you should be ashamed of yourself. You are the garbagebagged minority."
At work late, I say to my boss, "Thanks. Thank you."
At work late, my boss's face turns bruise-blue and I think he's choking on something but I don't remember him putting anything in his mouth so I don't know if he wants me to help him.
At work late, I ask my choking and sputtering boss if I can take two weeks off in December to visit family Up North.
At work late, my boss falls to the floor and looks like a dying idiot.
At work late, I remember something I might've read somewhere and grab a ballpoint pen and stab him in what I'm pretty sure is the trachea.
At work late, my boss's red blood mixes with blue ink.
At work late, I say to my boss, "I've opened your airways for you. Now about those two weeks."
At work late, my boss fires me with his last breath.
At work late, I say to my boss, "Thanks. Thank you."
At work late, my boss's face turns bruise-blue and I think he's choking on something but I don't remember him putting anything in his mouth so I don't know if he wants me to help him.
At work late, I ask my choking and sputtering boss if I can take two weeks off in December to visit family Up North.
At work late, my boss falls to the floor and looks like a dying idiot.
At work late, I remember something I might've read somewhere and grab a ballpoint pen and stab him in what I'm pretty sure is the trachea.
At work late, my boss's red blood mixes with blue ink.
At work late, I say to my boss, "I've opened your airways for you. Now about those two weeks."
At work late, my boss fires me with his last breath.
Afraid Of Your Family
I hope your spirit never stretches.
I hope your spirit never moves.
I hope your spirit never does any of the things you want it to do.
I'm shrieking into a bag of snakes, pissing them off, acquiring dozens of clean and unfriendly bites.
Some people will do anything to matter to someone else.
I'd feel sick if I woke up and saw someone else sleeping next to me.
I hope your spirit never moves.
I hope your spirit never does any of the things you want it to do.
I'm shrieking into a bag of snakes, pissing them off, acquiring dozens of clean and unfriendly bites.
Some people will do anything to matter to someone else.
I'd feel sick if I woke up and saw someone else sleeping next to me.
July 23, 2013
Fireworks Never Impressed Me Until I Saw Them With You
There are so many ways to drag yourself through the mud.
So what if my style is stolen.
My ears are the criminals of my body.
Wouldn't it be nice if you and I existed only in a dream being dreamt by someone we mutually dislike?
Would that matter to you, if that were true?
Would it make you cry?
I've probably handwritten the word "birds" a million times, and every time I write it I dot the i with a tiny portrait of you.
Words like "Nothing" and "Everything" make it all beautiful and possessive.
So what if my style is stolen.
My ears are the criminals of my body.
Wouldn't it be nice if you and I existed only in a dream being dreamt by someone we mutually dislike?
Would that matter to you, if that were true?
Would it make you cry?
I've probably handwritten the word "birds" a million times, and every time I write it I dot the i with a tiny portrait of you.
Words like "Nothing" and "Everything" make it all beautiful and possessive.
Clearly, There Are Mistakes
She didn't know what to do so she brought me to a hospital, where I disappointed her and everyone else.
I don't regret anything because I haven't learned how to regret yet.
No.
I just learned how to regret things and I think I'm a piece of shit.
If you want anything from me, just ask for it and I'll look in the trash and see if I can find it.
I miss being a kid or at least I miss what I think being a kid might've been like.
I don't regret anything because I haven't learned how to regret yet.
No.
I just learned how to regret things and I think I'm a piece of shit.
If you want anything from me, just ask for it and I'll look in the trash and see if I can find it.
I miss being a kid or at least I miss what I think being a kid might've been like.
Turn Off The Music Before You Listen To It
I can hear an airplane flying overhead and I want it to shush, shush.
I can hear crickets and cars and the sound of people crying from very far away.
I'm the worst children's book ever written.
Cigarettes are great because no one has to ask if you hate yourself, they just have to see you smoking and go "Oh, okay cool."
Sudden noises can make me jump and feel like I have to attack something.
A sudden noise just did that and there was nothing around but myself.
I'm unharmed but lucky.
Dogs are barking at things they can't see, and so am I.
I can hear crickets and cars and the sound of people crying from very far away.
I'm the worst children's book ever written.
Cigarettes are great because no one has to ask if you hate yourself, they just have to see you smoking and go "Oh, okay cool."
Sudden noises can make me jump and feel like I have to attack something.
A sudden noise just did that and there was nothing around but myself.
I'm unharmed but lucky.
Dogs are barking at things they can't see, and so am I.
Gorilla
When I was 5 years old my older brother had a friend over and they were in his room and he closed the door and wouldn't let me play with them. On my brother's door was a poster of a gorilla. I stared at the gorilla and hated it. I hated the gorilla because it was stopping me from playing with my brother.
Copycat Necromancer
I am great at everything you're bad at.
All the things you can do well, I can do much better, with much less effort.
I wonder what it'd be like to be a "real piece of work".
Remind everyone how useless everything they do is by not doing anything and being proud of the fact.
Fingernails only exist so we can scratch each other, drawing pictures of blood on every wall we see.
I am not good at any of the things I think I'm good at.
All the things you can do well, I can do much better, with much less effort.
I wonder what it'd be like to be a "real piece of work".
Remind everyone how useless everything they do is by not doing anything and being proud of the fact.
Fingernails only exist so we can scratch each other, drawing pictures of blood on every wall we see.
I am not good at any of the things I think I'm good at.
Chewing Up Bugs And Spitting Them Out On Your Face
Heal yourself infinitely, forget that hurting is necessary, that it can help you.
Do not breathe more than you can stand to.
If you want a good life, never be born.
And if you want a shitty life, act like you know what you don't know, and act like you don't know what you do know.
And if you want a life, take one.
I've built bridges out of water and no one can ever cross them, by definition, by the grace of God, by themselves.
I know how to haunt, I learned it from ghosts.
You still believe in things and that's ridiculous.
Freedom is drowning in a kiddie pool. So is everything else that matters to people you love.
We pin the tail on the donkey and we never ask the donkey if it hurts.
Do not breathe more than you can stand to.
If you want a good life, never be born.
And if you want a shitty life, act like you know what you don't know, and act like you don't know what you do know.
And if you want a life, take one.
I've built bridges out of water and no one can ever cross them, by definition, by the grace of God, by themselves.
I know how to haunt, I learned it from ghosts.
You still believe in things and that's ridiculous.
Freedom is drowning in a kiddie pool. So is everything else that matters to people you love.
We pin the tail on the donkey and we never ask the donkey if it hurts.
July 22, 2013
oh god
(oh god here we are
oh god we're becoming
oh god here we become)
We've been to hell and we had a nice time there. We remember it fondly.
You can look at the photos we took (we took hundreds).
Look at our smiling faces. Smile like we do.
"oh god" doesn't work there.
oh god we're becoming
oh god here we become)
We've been to hell and we had a nice time there. We remember it fondly.
You can look at the photos we took (we took hundreds).
Look at our smiling faces. Smile like we do.
"oh god" doesn't work there.
I am I Will
I am dangerous and I will fuck you up
I am dangerous and I will fuck you up
I am dangerous
and I will fuck
you
up
(I am a dangerous fuckup)
I am dangerous and I will fuck you up
I am dangerous
and I will fuck
you
up
(I am a dangerous fuckup)
July 21, 2013
Hugging Your Bad Thoughts
The cruelest monsters look just like us.
You hear a knock on your door. You answer. Standing in line at your doorstep is Everyone On Earth. "It's okay," they say to you, one by one.
You realize that you've never helped anyone through anything and you feel heavy.
You look in the mirror and notice that you've become a meanspirited satire of yourself.
You receive one hundred handwritten letters from former grade school classmates. Each one reads "You've disappointed me."
You walk around parking lots and wonder what it must be like to not feel alone.
You can't remember anything but the fact that you're uncomfortable with who you are.
"Being healthy is selfish," you think, brushing your disgusting teeth.
When you die you want your ashes made into eyeshadow.
Your mom calls you on the phone to tell you that she's scratched out your face in every old family portrait. You don't recognize her voice.
"The cruelest monsters are inside of us," you decide. You're pretty sure you died a month ago.
You hear a knock on your door. You answer. Standing in line at your doorstep is Everyone On Earth. "It's okay," they say to you, one by one.
You realize that you've never helped anyone through anything and you feel heavy.
You look in the mirror and notice that you've become a meanspirited satire of yourself.
You receive one hundred handwritten letters from former grade school classmates. Each one reads "You've disappointed me."
You walk around parking lots and wonder what it must be like to not feel alone.
You can't remember anything but the fact that you're uncomfortable with who you are.
"Being healthy is selfish," you think, brushing your disgusting teeth.
When you die you want your ashes made into eyeshadow.
Your mom calls you on the phone to tell you that she's scratched out your face in every old family portrait. You don't recognize her voice.
"The cruelest monsters are inside of us," you decide. You're pretty sure you died a month ago.
Do You Remember Me, We Went To Heaven Together
I didn't think he'd look so dead. I didn't think I'd be looking at him. This is the most crowded funeral I've ever been to, excluding the ones in my backyard, excluding them, excluding myself. Exclusion. I can smell everyone's perfumes and I can smell their mental disorders, too. They stink, they are repugnant, they exclude. I didn't think I'd be so dead.
Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop. You aren't excluded. He's gone, he can't smell your perfumes, excluding himself, excluding death. This is my backyard, we are children and he was our dog. His nose is wet, not with blood, not with life. A dog with a mental disorder in its mouth. Dropping the dead thing at my feet, wagging its tail. Good boy. They stink, huh? Yes they do. Yes they do. Let's exclude them. Dead things wagging their tails, stinking.
I don't want to look at him or them or me anymore. I can't stop looking at me, everyone is mirrored, everything is a dead mirror. I didn't think I'd look at me. Everything hurts, excluding my eyes, excluding them, I can't see him. I can't see myself. I can only see a mirror and another mirror and another mirror. A mirror with me in its mouth. I am bloody and I am good.
They've left me alone with him.
He can smell me and I can smell him, he finds me repugnant. His face is contorting and the death is falling off of him. He sits up and reaches for my nose. I can't see. I can feel. I can smell. I can't see, his fingers are meeting with my brains, they are making a deal, they are friendly and they like each other. I can't feel, it hurts. I think about ashes and dust and I can't think anymore. They're all gone, they are in his mouth, they are my nerve endings. I will bury him and them and me.
I didn't think I'd look like him. I am under my backyard, I am under my childhood, I am under my tears and I am my dead dog.
Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop. You aren't excluded. He's gone, he can't smell your perfumes, excluding himself, excluding death. This is my backyard, we are children and he was our dog. His nose is wet, not with blood, not with life. A dog with a mental disorder in its mouth. Dropping the dead thing at my feet, wagging its tail. Good boy. They stink, huh? Yes they do. Yes they do. Let's exclude them. Dead things wagging their tails, stinking.
I don't want to look at him or them or me anymore. I can't stop looking at me, everyone is mirrored, everything is a dead mirror. I didn't think I'd look at me. Everything hurts, excluding my eyes, excluding them, I can't see him. I can't see myself. I can only see a mirror and another mirror and another mirror. A mirror with me in its mouth. I am bloody and I am good.
They've left me alone with him.
He can smell me and I can smell him, he finds me repugnant. His face is contorting and the death is falling off of him. He sits up and reaches for my nose. I can't see. I can feel. I can smell. I can't see, his fingers are meeting with my brains, they are making a deal, they are friendly and they like each other. I can't feel, it hurts. I think about ashes and dust and I can't think anymore. They're all gone, they are in his mouth, they are my nerve endings. I will bury him and them and me.
I didn't think I'd look like him. I am under my backyard, I am under my childhood, I am under my tears and I am my dead dog.
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